By Don Klassen

© June 15, 2003

Words are not the only way to communicate. Depending on the source, experts tell us that about 70 per cent of our communication is non-verbal. This means that over three-fourths of what others get from our communication is not from our words. The tone of voice may say more than what we say in words. An angry voice or a cheerful voice may reveal more about the person speaking than the comment that was just made. Facial gestures, hand motions, and body position are all equally important. A twinkle in the eye or a scowl may reveal more than the word just spoken. An old saying goes like this, "If looks could kill." A scowl on the face plus the glare in the eye plus a shaking fist add up to real trouble. However, if the listener leans across the table, has attentive eyes, and hands open, anyone can see that the listener is rapt and fully open to receive the speaker's words, eagerly soaking up every word. Art McPhee wrote, "Listening is caring love."¹

In Catherine Marshall's book, No Pat Answers, she wrote that there are times when the other person does not need for us to say anything nor do anything other than just let him or her cry on our shoulder. A young pastor reported on the trauma of a stillborn child or children dying in infancy by saying it this way, "We were prepared for life, but faced with death. My Dad was a pastor and came from out of state, but all he did was quote Bible verses. All I wanted was a shoulder to cry on." Many people have reported how in an attempt to fill the gap of silence, others said things that were either inappropriate or hurtful and would have been better left unspoken.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a pleasant smile and a warm handshake have to be worth at least a million words to a prison inmate before the visitor even opens his or her mouth to say a cheerful "Hi!" Like Jesus hung on the cross, graphically illustrating to the world that God Loves all the people of the world, so also visitor's very presence speaks volumes in that the visitor is identifying with the prison inmate, not with the crime. A pleasant smile is visible evidence that someone cares and a warm handshake is tangible evidence that someone cares. To add to that, a cheerful "Hi!" is audible evidence that someone cares. The gift of presence was described by an inmate to a men's prayer breakfast some years ago as follows, "A letter once a week or a visit once a month is as important to a prison inmate as your paycheck once a week or once a month." Even a picture postcard from a vacation trip adds color to the barren cell walls. 

The gift of presence is a gift that is not free. The visitor not only used fuel out of the tank and put other wear on the car, but also took time out of his or her busy schedule or time from family or hobbies tinkering in the shop or sports fishing down by the river or quiet time reading a book or meditating on something inspirational. Although that time can never be returned, it is not lost time. The prison inmate will remember those precious moments together and cherish them, knowing that the visitor cared when it seemed that all the world was against them. When they feel that family and friends have forgotten, forsaken, and rejected them, they feel like a one-person team against the rest of the world. That is a hard game to play. Prison is a hard place to survive psychologically. Frequently the news broadcasts the fact that another inmate committed suicide, but fails to report that the inmate felt the world had nothing more to offer. A visit or a letter from a friend is priceless because a positive self-image can no more be purchased than love can be legislated. The visit not only lets an inmate know he is loved, the presence of a dear family member or cheerful friend builds self-esteem, which is difficult to do in a setting that tends to squeeze out love and where forgiveness is almost non-existent. A visitor is a Divine Gift!

¹ Friendship Evangelism